In the summer of 2000, in Venice, CA, I met the love of my life. I was 16 years old. He swept me off my feet with his sweet nature, kind heart, and attentiveness. Since then, years of love, laughter, memories, travel, drunken nights, dancing sessions, karaoke singing, and loving our pets is what my life has been filled with. And I've been so happy.
Now I write this today, completely distraught. ..feeling like I'm in a fog. How could this be happening? I had dreams of becoming the mother of his children, buying a house together...growing old together. All the clichés of love. And now, I'm desperately seeking a place where I can spend a few nights away, trying to regroup. Do I still love him? Yes. Do I still hold on to those cliché dreams? Yes. Do I know who I am and what really want? No. No. I don't know who I am. I think I have an idea. But that's what happens when you find yourself in an intense whirlwind with one other person for 15 years.
I only ever wanted to be with this other person. I've lived for this other person. And with all of this, time has came and went. I sit here 31 years old, and feel like I don't know myself or know what I want out of life. I've spent very little time with friends because I didn't feel a need to spend time with them. I had my friend and I was married to him. What else did I need? I now see how important being independent, spending time with yourself, learning to love yourself, trying new things, being scared, being ok with being scared, and finding that bond with other strong women really is and what I'm now searching for.
Am I terrified? Abso-fucking-lutely. But this is exactly what I need to do if I want my marriage to become healthier, stronger, and more loving.
I will continue blogging on my journey of self discovery and self nurturing throughout this year. May we all find what we need in this life and not be afraid of failure or asking for help.
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